Thursday, October 8, 2009

a little bit antsy (part two - the anty-climax)

this post is a special request from my kids. it involves ants. and. big daddy. so sit back and enjoy the ride.....

(i randomly laugh when i think of this story).

let me take you back a year or so. when. life was simpler (and we had a lot less kids). it all began a few weeks into big daddy's great idea. his master plan. (often. big d decides that he has one too many chins. and. begins one kind of health kick or another). he had bought himself a brand spangly new bike. it was shiny. bright. polished. sheeny. it was his ticket to chin-less-ness.

plan: ride lustrous. 2 wheeled. un-chin-an-ator. to and from work each day. simple.

big daddy began his day as usual. rode his glassy mongoose to work. and. after a hard day was almost home. he was zooming along the road at speeds of up to 200 km/hr. he was weaving in and out of traffic. artfully dodging pedestrians. he was king of the road. or so he thought. when. it happened.....

apparently.....he was coming around the bend. traffic on all sides. before his eyes a car puts on the brakes. his life flashes before his eyes. big daddy slams his hand down on the brakes. and. he finds himself flying breathtakingly through the air at speeds of up to 250 km/hr. then. stupdenously gravel slides under two cars. does an extraordinary dodge roll away from a lady and her baby. and. comes to an astonishing halt on his wrist and fore arms......apparently.

my version is possibly closer to the truth.....he wasn't looking. saw a car. hit the front brakes only. his back wheel continues over the front of the bike. he does one huge head-over-heels-over-front-of-bike fall. and. crunches his wrist. and. when he gets home (driven by a good samaritan) he retells his story. hoping for sympathy. caring. concern. and. his wife unashamedly laughs.

so. what has this got to do with ants. nothing......yet

big daddy is hurting. he has gravel rash from elbow to wrist. he takes himself off to bed. dejected. miserable. despondent. and he sleeps. as he sleeps. he dreams. not sweet dreams. but. a terrible nightmare. he is being eaten alive by ants. they are all over him. tearing chunks out of his flesh. it is terrifying. horrifying. unnerving. he is so startled that he wakes bolt upright in bed. and then. as i sip on my coffee in the lounge room. i hear a blood-curdling scream......

i run in. and. there is big daddy. jumping up and down on the bed hitting his gravel rash.....i start to feel alarmed. he runs past me to the shower......what is going on - i am wondering. he finally emerges from the shower. hyperventilating. and it is then i notice ant carcasses all over our bed....

whilst big daddy slept. the army of ants that had permanently set up home in our roof. had smelt the scent of a dying animal. and. invited the entire colony to picnic on big daddy.


i'm afraid that after visualizing big daddy catapulting over the front of his bike. and. then dreaming he was being eaten alive by ants. whilst being eaten alive by ants. i could not help but laugh ....and laugh......and laugh.

so. the moral of the story is: chins are not so bad. ants are more dangerous than you think. and. if you are looking for sympathy - bypass your wife.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

a little bit antsy (part one)

i'm sure there is a reason that god created ants....

ants are unpredictable. erratic. capricious. and just a bit iffy. you never know when they are going to show up. how long they will stay. and. what their motive is.

well. ok. we do know what their motive is. food.

so. we had a swarm of flying termites crash land on and in our house over the last few days. they were coming in through cracks. windows. doors. and. the vents in the ceiling. it can be quite a disconcerting experience. especially if you are 5. and. you happen to be having a private moment in the toilet. when. a swarm of flying ants accost you through the ceiling vent. lets just say that the ant carcasses on the toilet floor probably died of fright. and. bleeding internally from the ears.

let me inform you. telling a screaming 5 year old that termites only eat houses is apparently not reassuring.

tonight. we had another ant incident. my anti-ant 5 yr old informed me that he had a trail of ants right next to his bed on the wall. he refused to go to bed until said ants were exterminated. i came in to take a look. there. on the wall. was a trail of ants coming in through the window. and. eating something stuck to the wall. i look at my son. he is shaking. an understandable response after the toilet episode a day before. i look back at the wall. and then i realize what they are doing there.

hmmmm. apparently ants aren't too picky when it comes to food.

i then explain to my 5 yr old. perhaps it isn't a good idea to wipe your boogers on the wall. it appears the ants think it is a dinner invitation (evidently - this is the most reasonable explanation for a 5 yr old to stop wiping boogers on walls).

oh - he says. hmmm - i say.

i suppose ants do have their uses.....